Confession: I can’t accept compliments.

I have realised that I don’t have the time to write two posts a week and y’all probably wouldn’t have the time to read two posts a week too. We’re all busy people, watching videos of clingy pandas, cute dogs, and red velvet pancakes recipes on Facebook. Haha! Or maybe that’s just me. Having completely lost interest in the course that I am taking(Accountancy), I am just slowly counting down to my graduation. I have slightly more than a year for that. It’s never too early to start counting down! Despite all the chaos, this blog has been keeping me sane. Every morning I wake up with a new idea for a post. I now have a whole list of ideas on my Evernote app waiting to be written into 1500-word posts. On most days, I tell myself that if I get this particular task done, then I can get to writing my blog.  On other days when I am extremely busy, I write the post during my 1.5 hour journey back home from school. Today, I am writing this at home before working on all my other work. Oh well.

I have always had this issue. When someone gave me a compliment on something, be it my physical features, my work, my brains, my make-up, my outfit, I have trouble believing it. This should explain why I usually don’t reply to comments on my profile pictures; I like them instead. It’s just easier that way. This is also why I am awkwardly looking at the ceiling when you say that you like how I have done my eyeliner. If they are saying nice things to me, it’s only because they are just trying to be nice(especially my family and friends). They don’t actually mean it. They probably have some favour that they want from me, some ulterior motive. (Afterall, it’s compliments that sparks liking which is one of the factors used in persuasion.)  I am quite skeptical. As a matter of fact, that’s what one of my tutors at poly called me once- Miss Skeptical. “Why can’t you accept that you’re good at something?” Honestly, I don’t know. Perhaps it was because if I accepted the good things that people say, it meant that I would have to give the same weight to the negative comments that people make. But I did try to accept the compliments after a while. My usual response to such compliments is a basic thank you and an awkward change of topic. Oh happy birthday! Like in the image below. Oh, it’s such a nice, sunny day! FreshPaint-27-2017.03.16-07.17.20

The situation only got worse when I came to university. We’re put on a bell curve. Suddenly, it was not about whether I was good; it was whether I was better than the rest. When I received test results, I had to now ask around to see how others have fared. The mean, the median they all became so important. Hey, you might have gotten 80%, but as long as there’s one person out there with a 90%, you’re not good enough. This view was not limited to just academics.It spread to everything else. You might be talented but you’re not the most talented. It has become a toxic competition. In real business, that’s how most companies got thrown out of business. It’s not because the products were not good, but because there were competitors out there which produced higher quality products and/or at cheaper prices. We had become into products neatly shelved competing for market share. Okay there is always going to be competition everywhere unless I go to Himalayas or something. Back to what I was saying, I am finding it even harder to accept compliments. If you find me beautiful, maybe you haven’t noticed that gap in my teeth or my bulbous nose. Maybe if you see someone else you wouldn’t find me pretty anymore. If you like my blog posts, maybe you didn’t see the typos or the grammatical errors. Maybe you haven’t read enough of other pieces to know that mine isn’t good enough. Maybe you would soon lose interest in what I write. Too many maybe’s.

Maybe it’s because of my imposter syndrome. I first got to know about it when I was reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. They are soon going to find out that I am not that great. They are going to be greatly disappointed. Truth be told, that’s how I felt when I was chosen to be the treasurer for NUS Tamil Language Society or as class monitor in secondary school. This is why I find it hard to accept compliments. I don’t want to eventually disappoint people. Sigh.

I know this isn’t very healthy and it has to change. Well, I have this Jessica Pearson-like alter ego who’s all confident, and sassy. Most people don’t get to see it. Count yourself lucky if you did. Haha!

This is a note to self: I am a strong, confident, beautiful, important and intelligent woman. I do not need someone’s validation for that. But if someone compliments me, I will accept it. If they don’t, so be it. That doesn’t change the fact that I am what I am. Even if there are a thousand people better than me, it doesn’t change the fact that I possess what I possess. Good and bad. There isn’t a rose without a thorn. It comes as a package. You can’t have debit without a credit. Every transaction needs both limbs. Well, debit doesn’t always mean good and credit doesn’t always mean bad. But it shows the duality of things. (Just because I am making accounting references doesn’t mean that I love it. Just trying to apply what I know.) I need to embrace my imperfections because without which I wouldn’t have my strengths too. Do I make sense?

This is for you readers. I would like to say that you’re a beautiful person and you have good taste(because you’re reading this post, duh). Haha! Yes, that was a brief glimpse of my Jessica Pearson.

Thank you for reading. Till my next post, stay curious! 🙂

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