Like humpty dumpty never complete again Shattering into a million pieces So minute and broken Like confetti and scrap Falling down slowly Little triangles and pentagons Lying on the floor Rotting with time Leaving without a trace or grace But we were built with something so strong That it wouldn't break All they can do is chip off our edges But we will fill them With strains of tungsten Stitching ourselves together Stronger than ever Building ourselves up For new storms And reforms
Someone said that it’s 6th June 2006 tomorrow.
“The world is coming to an end”,
with eyebrows furrowed.
I didn’t know
that the possibilities were narrow
I believed and began the inferno
I don’t have to sit for PSLE
and compete with Shirley
Who cares about disappointing
and fingers pointing
Who cares about losing weight
or what they would say
I can eat that bag of Barbeque Twisties
and dance like it’s the 60’s
All because the world is coming to an end
But no one would know
that this crow could grow
and show
that it’s got the dough
to become a pro
Being forced to return a library book
that you’re halfway through
because it’s due
is not cool
The world should not come to an end
and put my plans into a descent
There are places I have not been to,
foods that I have not tasted,
flowers that I have not smelled,
and feelings that I have not felt.
I do not want this world to come to an end,
not now.
07.06.06
The world has not ended.
I live.
Or maybe the world has ended
while I was asleep
Perhaps, this is a whole new world
Version 2.0
Either way I’m glad
Someone tells me that the world is circular
for it has no beginning or end
it will change and evolve
transform and grow
to a point that we can no longer identify it
perhaps, we won’t see it
because we’re blind or
because we’re not alive to see it
In my early teenage years,
I would wish for the world to come to an end
And in my hopes and dreams, it has –
multiple times in fact
Some times it did feel like it
Like a drenched cream cracker that has sunk into a cup of milo
slowly crumbling, with nothing to look forward to
But the world, please don’t come to an end now
Because the deejay has only just begun
playing songs that are my kind of fun
Wow. Thank you for all the love and support. Initially, I was skeptical of the response that I was getting. I was thinking that my friends and family are just being really nice to me. But I am starting to believe that it was really not too bad with the comments and personal messages that I have been receiving. It has been very heartwarming to know that some have been inspired to finally get down to writing their own blog. If you haven’t read my first post yet, you can read it here. To some, these numbers may be below average and not worthy of a mention but I think it is important that we celebrate our small successes. I am proud of it.
Now let me get to the real stuff of this post.
When I was in my primary and secondary school, I had friends who made jokes about my weight. I was not supposed to be offended by them because they were just harmless jokes. If I was offended, it was because I was just too sensitive and emotional. Besides, they were being made after the disclaimer of “no offence” like that was supposed to make all the difference. On the other hand, I also had some relatives who made it a point to remind me that I am fat and/or that I have put on some weight because I don’t have a weighing scale at home(I’m kidding, I do have one. Haha!) They were having my best interest in their minds or so they said. I usually got through such tough days by crying to God before actually falling asleep. One fine day, I figured that if I make fun of myself before others do, they would stop doing it. What a fine discovery! Haha! It wasn’t long before I realised that it doesn’t work this way and I just made it worse for myself because I was internalising all those remarks about myself. The truth is that it hurts because of the people who were saying it. How can the people whom you love so much, hurt you so often?
I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to stop crying.
I realised that the only reason it hurt me was because I cared. Because I was vulnerable. What if I could wear this shield of “I don’t care“? What if I didn’t expect anything from them? To achieve that, I told myself that they weren’t my friends and built a wall around myself. Even if they did make jokes, they were nobody. And so I was unbothered by whatever they said. I was invincible. I was David Billa. I was heavily influenced by the song lyrics like “I don’t believe in friendships.” I thought of myself as a remote island. There’s no way I am getting hurt now.
There was just one small problem. Just as how they had lost their ability to make me sad, they had also lost their ability to make me happy. I had numbed myself. I had forgotten how to connect with people. I had somehow also assumed that being professional would mean to pretend that the people whom I was working with are not my friends but just colleagues. I prided myself for being professional and independent. If you had talked to me then, you would have gotten the vibe that you mean nothing to me if I hadn’t said that to your face already. I was just one unhappy soul spreading my unhappiness to others.
And then one day, I watched the TED talk titled The power of vulnerability by Brené Brown. That video made a lot of sense. In finance, we learn that undertaking high risk will reward you with a possibility of a high return. This means that you can’t just have the upside and not the downside. On a side note, if someone tries to sell you something that has no downsides but just upsides, it’s too good to be true and you should be cautious about it and ask where the return is coming from. For all you know it’s just some Ponzi scheme or multi-level marketing nonsense. Okay Chandralekha, please come back to the story! I took baby steps by first demolishing the Great Wall of Chandralekha and letting people in. The effects have been amazing. Many people have entered and the immense joy that I have felt is just awesome. I have realised that if you really think about it, relationships are all you have. When you die, all those money in your bank account, your car, your clothes in the cupboard, your phone, they don’t care. They would probably find another owner. Or if they are lucky, they would be recycled. Or they would be just thrown and end up in some landfill. Oh and not forgetting that amazing career that you spent so much time building, well, it doesn’t matter unless you’re going to apply for the management position of heaven(or hell). Hahaha, what am I even talking? All that I am saying is that ultimately, it’s only the people that you have known in your time who miss you and cry when you’re gone. They are also the ones who remember you and the time that you were there for them even years after you’re gone. I am still a work in progress but I try as much as I can to be there for my loved ones and even anyone who asks me for help. I actually always knew these but I guess I never quite understood it. Now I have so much more clarity in life.
As for my insecurities with my weight, I have intentionally avoided such people who put me down. I don’t feel that insecure anymore. It isn’t because I have lost all those weight. Heck, I think I might have even gained some. I think I finally do not seek validation of my body from others. I just don’t see anything wrong in my body size or shape. It just is.
To me, writing this blog is really putting myself out there. I feel vulnerable but it feels really good. With that, this long post has come to an end. I hope you open up your doors and love freely too.
Thank you for reading till the end. 🙂
Update: I have decided to include a poem I wrote for Ilampirai as part of this post. எருமை நீ படுங்கோரம் நீ முட்டாள் நீ புழுதி நீ பூமிக்கு பாரம் நீ வீண்பொருள் நீ பயனில்லா இருள் நீ இறந்து போ நீ கரைந்து போ நீ உன் துயரங்களை துறந்து போ நீ வெளியில் கேட்ட குரல்கள் என் குரலாகி உள்ளே சத்தமாக எதிரொலிக்க நிழல் எது நிஜம் எது என்று அறியாமல் என்னையே தொலைத்தேன் குழம்பினேன் வாழ்வின் அர்த்தத்தை மறந்தேன் சொந்த வாசம் மறந்த பூவாய் உதிர்ந்து விழுந்தேன் கடவுளின் படைப்பு தாயின் துடிப்பு வீணாக தான் போகுமோ? வீழ்ந்தே தான் கிடக்குமோ? மீண்டும் எழுந்தேன் உரக்க சொன்னேன் முட்களும் நான் மூங்கிலும் நான் சேரும் நான் செங்கதிரும் நான் மயில் தோகையும் நான் மழை சாரலும் நான் தாரகைகள் பூரணமில்லை ஆனால் மிளிர்வதை அவை நிறுத்துவதும் இல்லை மிளிர்வேன் நான் துணிவேன் நான் எழுவேன் நான் ஏனெனில் நான் எருமை அல்ல எரிமலை you’re a buffalo you’re hideous you’re foolish you’re dust you’re a burden to this world you’re a wasteful thing you’re useless darkness perish dissolve renounce your sorrows voices that I heard outside became mine and echoed loudly within me i got lost not knowing whether it was real or just my imagination i was confused i forgot the meaning of life i fell as a flower which forgot its aroma god’s creation mother’s heartbeat will it all go to waste will it remain fallen i rose again loudly, I said i am the thorns i am the clouds i am the mud i am the ray of sun i am the feather of peacock i am the rain showers stars aren’t complete yet they don’t stop sparkling i will sparkle i will dare i will rise because i am not a buffalo; i’m a volcano.
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